Thoughts when attending your first PTA meeting:

Where are the dads?
Yes that’s right, there may be the token bloke thrown in there but predominantly it’s full of women. Why is that? Surely Dads have just as much an interest in their kids school? Is it that women crave being part of a coven, group, I mean group.

How did my bum get so big?
Why are we sat on teeny tiny chairs that make you feel like you really shouldn’t be accepting the vast array of snacks on offer (Rich Tea). Why are we sat in the school hall, in the cold – why is it so damn cold? Why don’t we move this to the pub? Wine would make this all so much more bearable.

This coffee sucks – is this even coffee? Must be decaf.

How has everyone managed to eat before the meeting?
No one looks hungry. Why is no one hungry? How has everyone managed to eat in the 30 second window between the youngest finally falling asleep and the 8pm start of the meeting?

Why is everyone taking notes, head down?
Why is everyone concentrating so much on their shoes, am I missing something? Shit the chair just nodded at me – I’m up. She’s looking into my eyes – apparently I’ve volunteered to run the Christmas Fair – how the hell did that happen? Apparently there won’t be a fair if no one volunteers, so it’s all on me then.

And on that note why does everyone have an opinion but no one volunteers?
Everyone’s got ideas but its eyes down we’re playing for a line when it comes to actually doing anything. It’s a room full of extroverts who are playing shy. And doesn’t the PTA Chair love it. Do you know the school system would collapse without her?

This is big business.
I thought the emphasis of this sort of thing would be to create fun and enjoyable memories for our children and if we makes some much needed funds for school whilst doing so then everyone’s happy! But no, they want to squeeze as much money from you as possible. They want to charge £5 per adult, £5(!) as an entrance fee to the disco. Tell me which adult wants to even attend one of those sweaty gatherings in the school hall let alone pay for the privilege! And £5 to get into the Christmas Fair to buy back the shit you tried to get rid of.

We’re loaded!
And now I know why – this isn’t a social for mums (dads welcome) this is the Apprentice Board Room. Alan Sugar would be pleased with how much Mandy made at the Summer Fair on her Chinese hamper stall. (What the hell is a Chinese hamper?) And what about those who honestly can’t afford £5 to get in without having to re-mortgage their house in order to win a bag of sweets for their screaming child who has already wasted £7 because you just can’t get that ‘0’ or ‘5’ at the end of the raffle ticket. Give him some fricking chocolate Barbara before he kicks your stall down (and I help him).

Ok, I’m really hungry now.
Why is no one trying to wrap this up? Quick, quick, longevity of glitter tattoos can wait until next month. I’m not going to make it home in time for The Walking Dead at this rate. I’m going to see spoilers on Twitter. I’m not coming next month. I’ll stand my ground, say I’ve too much on.*

*Next month sees the PTA Chair in the playground the day of the meeting, avoids eye contact but is accosted and ‘sure things, I’ll be there’.

Just me or has anyone else experienced this?

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